This page provides a home for all the other stuff we have come across that needs a place to go, for instance the lovely Ode to Endometriosis written by Belle Browne.
My Battle With Endo | Curled Up in the Corner | I'm Sick | My Enemy | Linda's Poem | Deep within me | The Battle Inside | Please Can You Listen| What is Endo? | Abbie's Hug Certificate | Male Rules | Actual Medical Quotes | Donna's Poem | Awards Page | Ode to Endometriosis (In a Nut Shell) | A little something to brighten the afternoon | "Stress Reduction Technique" | A Moral | Tampons | A Husband At Home | Ten Rules Of Housekeeping | Brains | Signs | Warnings
As I sit and type this rhyme
Tears of pain flow all the time
For the pain I feel I cannot explain
And my suffering always seems the same
This disease has really got a hold on me
Even after a total hysterectomy
Then my appendix was taken too
I ask "what else is it going to do"?
Now it's in my bowel the tests tell
And this is my absolute living hell
Why can't the specialists do something else
To help us ladies to help ourselves
All the drugs they prescribe don't help me to sleep
Because the pain of this endo is buried so deep
Each day is a struggle just to get out of bed
But according to some doctors it's all in our heads
My friends and family give me their support
More than the doctors who leave me fraught
But unless this pain is with you too
Sadly there is nothing you can do
I have no children of my own
And this will always make me feel alone
As this debilitating disease attaches so deep
Like a nightmare leaves me in a great big heap
All I can do is live in hope
And try each day to somehow cope
With all this pain and dread and fear
That only fellow sufferers sometimes hear
I try to keep cheerful every day
And of course hope that you go away
But each time I think that I have you beat
You come back with a vengeance and knock me off my feet
But I will keep fighting and smiling too
Because Dear Endo it's all I can do!
- Mandy Brennan
Curled up in the corner,
No one can help me here.
Everyone left me all alone,
Will I be here another year?
Hands reach out to comfort,
But I can’t return their grasp.
Lying here, the pain consumes me,
Who knows how long I’ll last?
Lying on a cold hard bed,
I leave my world behind.
Waiting for the moment:
“We can’t help, this time”.
Covered with scars, both body and soul
I drift from day to day.
Waiting for the next time
That I am left this way.
In agony I can’t remember
The last time that I was fine.
Each day now brings me new torment,
My life is no longer mine.
Waiting for an answer,
Curled up on my own.
I wish I could accept your comfort,
I wish I wasn’t alone.
- Catriona Mowat
I’m sick, I’m sick,
but you wouldn’t know it,
I’m sick but don’t always show it,
I’m sick on the inside but not on the out,
Although sometimes it makes me scream and shout.
I’m sick of the doctors
Saying we don’t know,
I’m sick of the fatigue
And feeling so low.
I’m sick drinking water
And needing the loo,
I’m sick of searching the internet
For some kind of clue.
I’m sick of the diet
And not drinking alcohol,
I’m sick of the waiting
That’s taking its toll.
I’m sick of banging my head
Against a brick wall,
I’m sick of my emotions
Up and down like a bouncy ball.
I’m sick of explaining
I’m sick of feeling too ill
To have some fun.
I’m sick of walking around Tesco
Thinking what do I eat?
I’m sick of not being allowed
Dairy, sugar or wheat.
I’m sick of being treated
Like I’m perfectly healthy,
I’m sick of the list of vitamins
You can only afford if you’re wealthy.
I’m sick of thinking
How different my life could be,
If only Endometriosis
Hadn’t chosen me.
But most of all I’m sick of you
Hurting my insides and splitting me in two,
So go away, you’re such a bore
And give me a break, to live life more.
- Natalie Gray
Creeping, crawling through my body, you leave me in a heap;
Biting, burning through my pelvis, burying yourself down deep.
I fight you hard, I dont give up but never seem to win;
Across my back I feel the pain, my hope just gets more dim.
You never leave me, never go, you wont leave me alone;
My body twists and I cant move, I hear myself just groan.
The pain's so bad, I cant describe, I really just cant say;
How bad it feels to have you here all of every day.
The doctors look me up and down as if I am insane;
I ask for help, I plead with them "just take away the pain".
They never help me properly, they never seem to know;
What causes this disease inside me to grow and grow and grow.
They cut me open, operate, "I'm better" is what they say;
A few months later I feel it back, have pain there every day.
"So try this hormone, stops the pain, you will be better with this";
And for a couple of wonderful weeks my life is complete bliss.
Well yes you guessed it, guess whats back, the minute that they stop;
My hope it crumbles, pain is back, my body seems to flop.
So what next, what do I do, should I have another test?
Back at the doctors they treat me like a complete and utter pest.
"We dont know what we're doing now, we dont know what to do;
Live with the pain, put on a smile, the rest is up to you".
I'll never win this evil fight, I'll always live in pain;
A cloudy head, a shattered heart, I feel like i'm insane.
You give me pain, take away my life, there's nothing I can do;
but stay at home, make no plans, throw up, run to the loo;
I feel so sad with this disease and how it ruins my life;
takes away the joy that i had and replaces it with strife.
Other people dont understand what this does to us;
Other women just look on and think we make a fuss.
So as you read this very poem, understand and dont assume;
That we want attention, or like to talk of gloom.
We won't give up our fight, as we cannot just give in;
To let you win and just give up would be a total sin.
And so dear Endo, just to say the longer that you stay;
The harder that I will fight to make you go away.
Am I a liar, a cheat or a fake
My head is a mess, I lie there awake.
Why cant they understand me,
They dont seem to care.
The pain is horrific,
It's true it is there.
Doctor after doctor, but no light I see
Please remove this from inside of me.
A healthy future is uncertain, why cant people see
What this disease is doing to me.
The pain of birth - the chance a fine thing.
The hope of a cure - to that I do cling.
Its coming and going, is tiring and sore
Am I going to have endo forever more.
Deep within me
Life isn’t so easy,
I have something you haven’t
I am different you see.
They call it Endometriosis
Its story I often have to tell,
To many it means nothing
But to me it means hell.
Deep within me
There is an endless road,
A never ending journey
My life put on hold.
The doctors they say
There is no more they can do,
Now I’ve done my own research
And I know this is not true.
Deep within me
There is a pain so severe,
It torments and tortures
Brings a life full of fear.
I know no-one can feel,
This pain deep in me,
It hides away in the darkness
It’s a nightmare you see.
Deep within me,
There is no sign of light,
Though I still long for the day
I can give up this fight.
For now I keep going
And get through each day,
Hoping and praying,
My pain goes away.
- Karen xx
To look at i seem fine
this secret i hold is mine
for inside im different to you
i cant manage the things you easily do
mummy why dont you run and chase me
those words cut deep
some days i just struggle through
but I look just like you
why me i often ask
how long will this suffering last
you see me don't question why
for deep inside i cry
please take this pain away
I look at you ,and see
how it is be to be painfree
this disease has me in its grip
pulling and twisting me
it just wont let me go
i just want to scream NO
i want the old me back
the one that laughed and ran
healthy and happy
the old me
endometeriosis they call it
i call it hell
I want to be painfree
please let go of little old me
the pain drags you down low
to places i dont want to go
every month is the same
im fed up with this game
hoping and praying all will be fine
just want my life to be mine
this disease has no cure
the options seem fewer
My stomach is map to remind
of the times ive fought
and been left behind
this disease wins again
i look at my children and see
this was where endo didnt beat me
i have the scars to prove
have i at last got you on the move
but each time i think i have you beat
you no longer retreat
you come out for another round
how many more times can i get back off the ground
So as i face you once again
i shall be strong
you may have me down
but im not beat
i shall knock you off your feet
i will pull my life back from you then what will you do
i hate this disease with all my might
with you again i have to fight
the sad thing is when im there to see
youd never guess what goes on inside of me.
- Lisa xx
Please can you listen, please can you hear
Give me a hug and lend me an ear.
I was alone with noone, or that I knew wouldn't judge,
No shoulder to lean on without fear of a grudge.
My success was my failure turned inside out
Alone in my room with only fear and doubt
My brains working over time, my doctors a swine
An incompetent moron with no compassion or spine.
When I knock at your door, don't send me away
Please listen to me, please hear what I say
I know my own body I know my own mind
I know when I feel pain, when I'm crippled inside
You twist what I say, or just lead me astray
Knock down my confidence then turn me away.
Ours is a friendship so precious and rare
Can't remember what life was like when there was nobody there.
Lots of love,
(I dedicate this to all you girls out there that have been struggling to get yourself heard.)
what is it about endo that others cant see
an affliction to which, only I have the key
fight those battles that need to be fought
and educate those people who need to be taught
a chance of a child assumed a god given right
but can be snatched away like a thief in the night
in empty arms I hide the frustration
a dream of hope, of recreation
a daily battle to endure the pain the strife
to hold together my self esteem
and make something of my life
I feel the hurt, the pain, the tears
and try to cope with all my fears
what is it about endo that others cant see
a pain that is embedded deep within me
I must be strong, and put up a fight
scrape away the dark to reveal the light
the point to my poem is easy to see
fear can hold u prisoner but hope can set u free!
Hope u liked it.
Thinking of u all
If I could catch a rainbow
I would do it Just for you
And share with you It's beauty
On the days You're feeling blue
If I could build a mountain
You could call Your very own
A place to find serenity
A place to be alone
If I could Take your troubles
I would toss them In the sea
But all these things I'm finding
Are impossible for me
I cannot build a mountain
Or catch a rainbow fair
But let me be What I know best
A friend That's always there
All my Love,
We always hear the "rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are "our" rules! Please note....they are all numbered "1" on purpose.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat..you are a big girl now. If it is down put it up We need it up you need it down you don`t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Whenever possible please say what you have to say during the commercial breaks.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem! See a doctor.
1. Sunday = Sport. It`s like the full moon or the changing tide. Let it be!
1. Shopping is NOT a sport and NO we are never going to think about it in that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtlehints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hintsdo not work!....JUST SAY IT!
1. Yes and No are perfectly good answers to most questions.
1. Come to us with a problem....only if you want help solving it. That`s what we do....Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissablein an argument. In fact all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you are fat....you probably are....don`t ask!
1. If something we said can be interpreted 2 ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. All men see in only 16 colours like Windows default settings! Peach for example is a fruit not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is!
1. If it itches we scratch...We do that!
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing" we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying but it is not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you do not want an answer too.... expest an answer you do not want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere anything you wear is absolutely fine....REALLY!
1. Don`t ask us what we are thinking - unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sport or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I AM in shape....Round is a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes I know....I have to sleep on the couch tonight but did you know? Men really don`t mind that....it`s like camping!
Pass this on to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh!
Pass this on to as many women as you can - to give them an education!
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
She is numb from her toes down.
The skin was moist and dry.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
We sit and we type, and we stare at our screens
We all have to wonder, what this possibly means.
With our mouse we roam, through the rooms in a maze
Looking for something or someone, as we sit in a daze
We chat with each other, we type all our woes
Small groups we do form, and gang up on our foes.
We wait for somebody, to type out our name
We want recognition, but it is always the same.
We give kisses and hugs, and sometimes flirt
In IMs we chat deeply, and reveal why we hurt.
We do form friendships - but - why we don't know
But some of these friendships, will flourish and grow.
Why is it on screen, we can be so bold
Telling our secrets, that have never been told.
Why is it we share, the thoughts in our mind
With those we can't see, as though we were blind.
The answer is simple, it is as clear as a bell.
We all have our problems, and need someone to tell.
We can't tell real people, but tell someone we must
So we turn to the 'puter, and to those we can trust.
Even though it is crazy, the truth still remains
They are Friends Without Faces, and odd little names.
Donna's website: www.neendo.homestead.com/home.html
E : is for Emotional rollercoaster,Mood swings going up and down.
N : is for Never ending road of Pain and Suffering.
D : is for Debiliatating and Infuriating.
O : is for Opinons and Advice when will it ever end.
M : is for Marathon nights that are so lonely and desperate.
E : is for Escape the Pain please take it away.
T : is for Tired and Drained is what we all are.
R : is for Respect from Doctors,is this too much to ask...
I : is for Independence Regained is what we all want.
O : is for Others Caring and Understanding..This would be so nice
S : is for Self-esteem .......This must be Reobtained.
I : is for Inner Turmoil ...We all must let go......
S : is for So Life Goes On...As we all know......
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just stand there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
I don't get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Not afraid of heights -- afraid of widths.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
desire + expectation = creation
What are you creating today? Are you creating consciously in harmony with ALL?
Sit quietly and inhale deeply and slowly through your nose.
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You breathe deeply.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.
What a pleasant surprise.
You let them up ... just for a quick breath ... then ploop! ...
Back under they go.
You allow yourself to take as many deep breaths as you want.
There now ... feeling better?
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must Be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Moral of the story:
Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.
Two little boys go into the grocery store.
One is nine, the other four.
The nine-year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your Mom, huh?"
The nine-year old shakes his head and replies, Nope, not for my Mom."
Cashier: "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
Nine-year old: "Nope, not for my sister either."
Cashier, curious now: "If they're not for your Mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine-year old says, "They're for my four-year old brother."
Surprised, the cashier asks, "For your little brother right here?"
Nine year old explains: "Well, yeah! They say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike, and my little brother needs them because he can't do either!"
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a Mr Electric logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"
The wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have fridge-fixer written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says” then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps," he says, "does it look like I have Mr Fixit written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door if fixed. "Honey," he asks, "how'd all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."
He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo.......do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, " Johnny did this when he was two ~ I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward.
Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. It is not so much the words they use, but how they put them together. Here is a list of signs seen around the world:
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK, TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
In a cemetery
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER DRESSED AS A MAN.
Hotel room notice,Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE,WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS
If ever you feel unsure about marketing or writing, look at this stuff and remember that people were actually paid to come up with this labeling and that someone higher up approved it. Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special)
On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how ...?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But its "just" a suggestion)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows day . . .)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
( Step 3: Fly Delta.)
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
( I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)
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