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1. Learn to work the toilet seat..you are a big girl now. If it is down put it up We need it up you need it down you don`t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Whenever possible please say what you have to say during the commercial breaks.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem! See a doctor.

1. Sunday = Sport. It`s like the full moon or the changing tide. Let it be!

1. Shopping is NOT a sport and NO we are never going to think about it in that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtlehints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hintsdo not work!....JUST SAY IT!

1. Yes and No are perfectly good answers to most questions.

1. Come to us with a problem....only if you want help solving it. That`s what we do....Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissablein an argument. In fact all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you are fat....you probably are....don`t ask!

1. If something we said can be interpreted 2 ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colours like Windows default settings! Peach for example is a fruit not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is!

1. If it itches we scratch...We do that!

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing" we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying but it is not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you do not want an answer too.... expest an answer you do not want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere anything you wear is absolutely fine....REALLY!

1. Don`t ask us what we are thinking - unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sport or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I AM in shape....Round is a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes I know....I have to sleep on the couch tonight but did you know? Men really don`t mind that....it`s like camping!

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

She is numb from her toes down.

The skin was moist and dry.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

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A Moral:

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must Be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Moral of the story:
Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.

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Tampons

 

Two little boys go into the grocery store.

One is nine, the other four.

The nine-year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your Mom, huh?"

The nine-year old shakes his head and replies, Nope, not for my Mom."

Cashier: "Well, they must be for your sister then?"

Nine-year old: "Nope, not for my sister either."

Cashier, curious now: "If they're not for your Mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"

The nine-year old says, "They're for my four-year old brother."

Surprised, the cashier asks, "For your little brother right here?"

Nine year old explains: "Well, yeah! They say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike, and my little brother needs them because he can't do either!"

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A Husband At Home

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a Mr Electric logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

The wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have fridge-fixer written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says” then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps," he says, "does it look like I have Mr Fixit written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door if fixed. "Honey," he asks, "how'd all this get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo.......do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

Antonia Boyton
www.antonia-boyton.net

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Ten Rules of Housekeeping

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, " Johnny did this when he was two ~ I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

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Brains

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward.

Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

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Signs

People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. It is not so much
the words they use, but how they put them together. Here is a list of signs seen around the world:

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK, TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
GRAVES.

Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS
IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel room notice,Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE,WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE
SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS
PURPOSE.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A
GOOD TIME.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS

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Warnings

If ever you feel unsure about marketing or writing, look at this stuff and remember that people were actually paid to come up with
this labeling and that someone higher up approved it. Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special)

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how ...?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But its "just" a suggestion)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows day . . .)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those
forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
( Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
( I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)

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